This is how you write an essay hook…

line, and sinker.

Don’t forget to subscribe and SMASH that like button for more prank social experiments.


The Rise of Wizards and How to Make It Stop

Inspired by this blog’s fantasy clickbait headlines:

As we all know, out of the many issues plaguing modern society, there is one that stands out amongst the rest. I’m referring, of course, to the problem of wizardry.

Don’t you hate it when you’re at Walmart buying milk and some guy in an ugly pointed hat empties your shopping cart for fun? Or when the same guy in a ridiculous blue robe and outrageously garish pajamas snaps your poodle’s leash in two because she was looking at him funny?

Yes, I’m talking about you, Craig. Screw you. It’s not Buttercup’s fault that you smell like expired meat.

Anyways, I have a solution for these dastardly spellcasters. And no it’s not a genocide, I don’t know why you’d think that. I’m not a monster, jeez.

So when you see a wizard in the wild (they can be identified by their frizzy grey hair and bent maple staffs), the first thing you should do is drop any weapons you have, like pocket knives, handguns, and RPGs, so as not to frighten them. Approach cautiously and hold eye contact. Don’t make any sudden movements. Now, the next step is vital. As soon as you get within two feet of them, say in these exact words: “Are you a pineapple?”

Then sucker punch them in the face.

They should’ve been too stunned to react and are hopefully now unconscious. If they’re still awake, hit them with the pineapple you brought along as many times as (un)necessary.

Congratulations! Give yourself a pat on the back! You are helping to solve the wizardry problem, and you deserve all the praise in the world. That’ll show those brutes.

Oh, by the way, when the police come just tell them the wizard magicked you into attacking him or something. They’ll probably understand. Cheers!

Obsessions are weird

I’m always obsessed with something. Be it writing, a game, a book, there’s always something to daydream about. But it never lasts. Obsessing over something likely makes it worn out faster, especially when I reach the “end” and feel unfilled, turning to inactive Discord servers and half-finished websites to fill the empty void that is my soul.

The cycle’s almost tiring but I know nothing else. I’ve begun revisiting old obsessions and rekindling old flames that last for weeks at most.

I wish I had more time for these things.

My blog has gone viral

With one post receiving almost 10 likes over only several days, I’ve decided to retire on my savings and call it an end.

If you have any questions about what it’s like to be rich and famous, please comment below so I can ignore it due to a busy schedule traveling to interviews around the world.

Please buy my new Amazon book “How I Became Famous” which has a stunning 2.5 stars rating right now, and don’t forget to follow my Twitter for updates.

On other news, something else that has gone viral near me is the cold, which I am slightly less excited about. It’s infected more people than my blog has attracted, so I’m still living in its shadow.

What tones of stories do readers like?

There’s humor, opening with a joke and playing characters for laughs. There’s drama, depicting a gritty struggle and the search for a solution.

There’s more tones, but that’s all I can think of right now.

Say you have the creative idea of writing about a knight saving a princess from a dragon. Do you make the knight a charming lad filled with whimsical remarks? Do you make him a noble hero full of chivalrous ideals and courageous determination? Or… what? There’s gotta be more than that.

Well, you can’t just be informative or educational. A reader of a fantasy story most likely isn’t here to learn about dragon behavior and appearance as depicted in medieval texts, though it can support the actual story. Themes like horror, romance, and tragedy are arguably already under the umbrella of “drama”. So what else is there, besides funny and dramatic?

Or I am using the term “drama” too loosely in its definition?

The hard part about writing…

Is knowing what you want to write.

You need to think of a satisfying topic that you know about and are interested in. Such as your obsession with 17th century one-dimensional romanticism (hey, I don’t judge). And you need to give it meaning so your reader is interested too, since most people don’t care about 17th century one-dimensional romanticism, in part because it doesn’t exist but also because it’s boring.

Of course, the actual writing bit is also challenging. But one of the most frustrating parts can be brainstorming when you’re itching to put words on paper.

Some people suggest “pantsing”, or improv writing (writing without a plan). It may be less stressful, but there’s the risk of ending up with gibberish that you have to edit afterwards to make legible. Maybe it’s better to at least have an idea of an ending, even if you don’t want to outline every twist and scene change in the plot. That way you know where you’re going rather than just writing half-formed ideas that go on and on.

Of course, don’t take my word for it. I’m no veteran writer; it’s just my thoughts.

On a side note, comma splices are a big problem that needs to be addressed, you should avoid them like the plague.