The Rise of Wizards and How to Make It Stop

Inspired by this blog’s fantasy clickbait headlines:

As we all know, out of the many issues plaguing modern society, there is one that stands out amongst the rest. I’m referring, of course, to the problem of wizardry.

Don’t you hate it when you’re at Walmart buying milk and some guy in an ugly pointed hat empties your shopping cart for fun? Or when the same guy in a ridiculous blue robe and outrageously garish pajamas snaps your poodle’s leash in two because she was looking at him funny?

Yes, I’m talking about you, Craig. Screw you. It’s not Buttercup’s fault that you smell like expired meat.

Anyways, I have a solution for these dastardly spellcasters. And no it’s not a genocide, I don’t know why you’d think that. I’m not a monster, jeez.

So when you see a wizard in the wild (they can be identified by their frizzy grey hair and bent maple staffs), the first thing you should do is drop any weapons you have, like pocket knives, handguns, and RPGs, so as not to frighten them. Approach cautiously and hold eye contact. Don’t make any sudden movements. Now, the next step is vital. As soon as you get within two feet of them, say in these exact words: “Are you a pineapple?”

Then sucker punch them in the face.

They should’ve been too stunned to react and are hopefully now unconscious. If they’re still awake, hit them with the pineapple you brought along as many times as (un)necessary.

Congratulations! Give yourself a pat on the back! You are helping to solve the wizardry problem, and you deserve all the praise in the world. That’ll show those brutes.

Oh, by the way, when the police come just tell them the wizard magicked you into attacking him or something. They’ll probably understand. Cheers!


4 thoughts on “The Rise of Wizards and How to Make It Stop

        1. Oops, I completely misinterpreted that, sorry! And to answer your question, I borrowed it off a bananad wizard rather than a pineappled one. Pineapples are too spiky, surely you wouldn’t wear one as a hat?


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