It’s just another Friday. The sun’s bright and shining, the wind’s cool and breezy, and you’re tired and weary. You pick up your trusty pen to jot a little somethin’ down when suddenly, you feel a tiny pinprick on your skin. You freeze in time and look down, slowly, eyes traveling over the cluttered notepad and the worn desk, when finally you spot it: your pen stabbing your exposed skin, indenting the fragile barrier.
As your life flashes before your eyes, I hope you’ll recall these tips that I’ll be giving you. Armed with them, you’ll be safe, but if you have to call 911, it’ll already be too late.
The very first thing you should do is the most crucial, as studies have shown that 99.99% of victims who failed to follow this step worsened their condition. What you need to do is gently, carefully, stop stabbing yourself with the pen and place it safely to the side (or in the trash bin, or out the window). Do not under any circumstances consume it or inhale its sweet magical nectar.
Next (or really this should be step 0), don’t panic. Breathe evenly and remember that everything will be alright, even though you’re at risk of immediate injury and/or an agonizing death.
Now what you should do is channel your inner Qi™ to expel all foreign invaders, including the treacherous pen ink. You will know you’ve succeeded when ink starts oozing out of your pores, cleansing you of your toxins and sins.
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