How to survive pen ink poisoning

It’s just another Friday. The sun’s bright and shining, the wind’s cool and breezy, and you’re tired and weary. You pick up your trusty pen to jot a little somethin’ down when suddenly, you feel a tiny pinprick on your skin. You freeze in time and look down, slowly, eyes traveling over the cluttered notepad and the worn desk, when finally you spot it: your pen stabbing your exposed skin, indenting the fragile barrier.

As your life flashes before your eyes, I hope you’ll recall these tips that I’ll be giving you. Armed with them, you’ll be safe, but if you have to call 911, it’ll already be too late.

The very first thing you should do is the most crucial, as studies have shown that 99.99% of victims who failed to follow this step worsened their condition. What you need to do is gently, carefully, stop stabbing yourself with the pen and place it safely to the side (or in the trash bin, or out the window). Do not under any circumstances consume it or inhale its sweet magical nectar.

Next (or really this should be step 0), don’t panic. Breathe evenly and remember that everything will be alright, even though you’re at risk of immediate injury and/or an agonizing death.

Now what you should do is channel your inner Qi™ to expel all foreign invaders, including the treacherous pen ink. You will know you’ve succeeded when ink starts oozing out of your pores, cleansing you of your toxins and sins.

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What does thunder sound like?

At first, it might seem like a gunshot, or a cannon’s boom.

Maybe to some it sounds like a loud crash, or a roaring clap.

To others it’s just a low grumble, or a sinister omen, portending a storm.

But to me, it’s the sound of a homely flower playing chess over a murder of lunch, late in the sunny evening.

The Rise of Wizards and How to Make It Stop

Inspired by this blog’s fantasy clickbait headlines:

As we all know, out of the many issues plaguing modern society, there is one that stands out amongst the rest. I’m referring, of course, to the problem of wizardry.

Don’t you hate it when you’re at Walmart buying milk and some guy in an ugly pointed hat empties your shopping cart for fun? Or when the same guy in a ridiculous blue robe and outrageously garish pajamas snaps your poodle’s leash in two because she was looking at him funny?

Yes, I’m talking about you, Craig. Screw you. It’s not Buttercup’s fault that you smell like expired meat.

Anyways, I have a solution for these dastardly spellcasters. And no it’s not a genocide, I don’t know why you’d think that. I’m not a monster, jeez.

So when you see a wizard in the wild (they can be identified by their frizzy grey hair and bent maple staffs), the first thing you should do is drop any weapons you have, like pocket knives, handguns, and RPGs, so as not to frighten them. Approach cautiously and hold eye contact. Don’t make any sudden movements. Now, the next step is vital. As soon as you get within two feet of them, say in these exact words: “Are you a pineapple?”

Then sucker punch them in the face.

They should’ve been too stunned to react and are hopefully now unconscious. If they’re still awake, hit them with the pineapple you brought along as many times as (un)necessary.

Congratulations! Give yourself a pat on the back! You are helping to solve the wizardry problem, and you deserve all the praise in the world. That’ll show those brutes.

Oh, by the way, when the police come just tell them the wizard magicked you into attacking him or something. They’ll probably understand. Cheers!

Obsessions are weird

I’m always obsessed with something. Be it writing, a game, a book, there’s always something to daydream about. But it never lasts. Obsessing over something likely makes it worn out faster, especially when I reach the “end” and feel unfilled, turning to inactive Discord servers and half-finished websites to fill the empty void that is my soul.

The cycle’s almost tiring but I know nothing else. I’ve begun revisiting old obsessions and rekindling old flames that last for weeks at most.

I wish I had more time for these things.

My blog has gone viral

With one post receiving almost 10 likes over only several days, I’ve decided to retire on my savings and call it an end.

If you have any questions about what it’s like to be rich and famous, please comment below so I can ignore it due to a busy schedule traveling to interviews around the world.

Please buy my new Amazon book “How I Became Famous” which has a stunning 2.5 stars rating right now, and don’t forget to follow my Twitter for updates.

On other news, something else that has gone viral near me is the cold, which I am slightly less excited about. It’s infected more people than my blog has attracted, so I’m still living in its shadow.